Happiness is Letting Go of Approval

Six years ago when I decided my entire life needed to head in a new direction due to some chronic physical injuries and overall unhappiness in my life, I was guided by someone I trusted to a wise woman. In one of our first meetings, she asked me this earth-shattering question:

Can you imagine living your life and not caring what anyone thought about you?

My immediate response after my stunned shock was: “No, but I really, really want that life.”

That day I set the intention to start letting go of approval from others. I said I had no idea what it looked like or how it could happen, but I knew the help would come to show me how to do it.  I’ve been really happy I made this choice even though there are still times when I can feel I’m back in approval-seeking mode with my family (this pattern seems to be the hardest one to break for me and my closest confidants), my friends, colleagues, readers, and heck, even sometimes new people I meet.

What I realized is that I am hurt when I don’t feel like people “approve” of me because it means they don’t love me or like me—that some part of me is either unwanted or not valued. That I am somehow wrong.

This approval stuff is some of the toughest transformational groundwork we can find ourselves in. Honestly, I don’t know that I was even aware I was participating in all of the approval-seeking madness until six years ago when I heard that pivotal question. I just thought “this is the way things worked.” The pattern was straightforward: I do X like this person wanted, and I get back what I thought I needed (love and approval).

What a trap.

Happiness is letting go of approval.

Now, I won’t BS this one. It’s hard. We’re conditioned at such a young age by this. We’re told we’re a “good girl” or “big girl” when we do something right according to X person and a “bad girl” or “baby” when we do something X doesn’t like. Flip the pronouns if you’re a guy (I know you get this stuff too).

We can’t escape other people having judgments of us, but we can free ourselves from them. How do I do this? Well, first I have to realize it’s happening. Okay, here I am again, being hurt and upset or trying to jump through hoops because I want someone’s approval or they don’t approve of me, and I’m trying to earn it. Then I have to be willing to release my need for it. To tell myself, there is NOTHING wrong with me. I am whole and complete as I am regardless of what they say or think of me.

Sound hard? It is. But perhaps if we all join together to free ourselves more, it will become easier. We can laugh in the face of a nasty book review by someone who didn’t get the message. We can stay at peace when a coworker or boss takes us to task. We can still love ourselves and know we have worth when a family member tries to shame us for behavior they don’t approve of.

You have worth. I have worth.

Don’t let anyone else tell you differently.

 

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